When You Let Go
by wandererose
Summary: Remus does not like being a werewolf. But he is glad of one thing - the scars. Well, no. He hates those too. They maul his body, making him look even more like the monster that he is. But when you have so many scars already, people don't see the other scars as any different. The ones he carves into himself with his wand at three in the morning when everyone else is asleep.
1. Chapter 1

Remus does not like being a werewolf. Of that, he is certain.

He hates the sleepless nights that precede a full moon, the anxiety that he'll hurt something.

He hates that he has no future, that when people find out, they can't even look at him.

But he is glad of one thing - the scars.

Well, actually, no. He hates those too. They maul his body, making him look even more like the monster he is.

But when you have so many scars already - and a reason for them - he's noticed that people don't see the other scars as any different.

The ones he carves into himself with his wand at three in the morning, when everyone else is asleep.

Sirius loved watching Remus.

Not in, like, a creepy way. But when his eyes fluttered open in the early morning and Remus was pulling off his nightshirt, or sleepily walking to the bathroom to brush his teeth, and the light hit him through the window and turned him golden... or when he put his tongue between his teeth when he was thinking, or when he tugged down his sweater sleeves when he was nervous...

This particular morning, Sirius cracked open his eyes to find Remus buttoning up his ever-present long sleeve shirt. Remus didn't really have abs, but god, that body. Hot if he ever saw one, and Sirius Black saw many - girls, boys, and everything in between.

As Sirius's gaze lost some of its sleep and focused a little more, he noticed the bags under Remus's eyes. Glancing up at his moon schedule (one he had made himself, decorating it with little pictures and everything, so he could know), he realized that the full moon was, in fact, tonight. Excitement coursed through his veins. He lived for these nights.

Remus had just pulled his robes over his head when Sirius passed him, a quick "good morning" on his death-breath before walking into the bathroom. The werewolf combed his fingers through his hair a couple times, glancing at the door to the bathroom, and then collapsed into himself. He couldn't be thinking about _Sirius_ like this. His best friend. If Sirius ever found out, he'd be disgusted. _Oh well,_ Remus thought bitterly, digging his nails into his skin, _they were bound to be disgusted with me some time or another. This'll just come later than usual._

Carefully placing each of his textbooks into his bookbag, he walked over to Peter's bed for his first (out of three) wakeup call. Then he turned to James, but James was already bounding out of bed.

"Alright, Moony! Ready for tonight?"

Remus's heart sunk. _Tonight._ Of course, he loved the moon nights now. But there was still the dread, and all the headaches, and the danger of hurting someone... of hurting one of his friends... not to mention if they looked to closely as he was transforming, if they saw the scars...

But the apprehension and fear was met with excitement and happiness - something he didn't think should come in the face of this, but come it did - and his face was pulled into a grin. "Always. You?"

"Pumped, Moon, pumped!" Sirius shouted from the bathroom where he was putting on a thin layer of eyeliner.

Remus was fairly certain this was going to be a good day. He started whistling "Blackbird" and gave Peter his second wake up call.

God, Sirius _loved_ it when Remus whistled.

First of all, his whistle was clear and beautiful, like a birdsong. He always hit the right notes, and could do practically any tune you put in front of him.

Second of all, the way his lips puckered was really, really hot.

Of course, Sirius, standing in the bathroom and doing his hair, couldn't see the tall boy - but he could hear him, and he could definitely picture him.

Those golden eyes...

Sirius licked his lips and walked out of the bathroom, pulling robes over his head. Shrugging them around his shoulders so they hung just right, he tied his tie (loosely) and glanced at James, who was combing his fingers through his spiky brown hair.

"Didn't do my transfiguration homework..." Sirius realized.

"Yeah! Stick it to the man!" James laughed, looking at himself in the mirror.

"Or in this case the Minnie," Sirius chortled, "Hey Remmy, can I copy off you?"

"No," Remus sighed, and Sirius laughed again. "You need to _learn,_ Sirius."

"Oh come on, I'm like top of the class. Don't be a bogart."

Remus scrunched up his face, (Oh god, he was so cute when he scrunched up his face), "I don't even know what that means."

"It means you're greedy, Moony, but Padfoot, that's usually used for drugs," James laughed.

"With Remus, homework is like a drug."

The fact that Remus was rather good at Potions did nothing to increase his love of the class. The stifling fumey air, the weird smells, all the guts and blood and eyeballs, and, of course, Professor Slughorn. Professor Slughorn didn't like him, and Remus was fairly certain he knew why - if anyone were to find out about his... condition, it would be the Slug, with his 'connections in high places' and his kiss-ass attitude.

Lily Evans was sitting next to him, chopping up a beetle. She was his saving grace - for one, the Slug _loved_ her. Second, when the Slug's glares got to be too much and he started losing his breath, she could always talk him down.

That was the thing about Lily. Although James, Sirius, and Peter were fantastic friends, Lily Evans had a calming way about her - although she could be fiery when she needed to be. Her hands were always cold, which he liked. She was a good friend. He didn't deserve her.

Hurriedly, he chopped up his own beetle, having a bit of difficulty getting it to stop bouncing aroud - curiously watching Snape in the corner, _crushing_ his own - he threw it in the cauldron. Fifth year potions were easy enough, if one payed attention to detail, and then some.

Sirius leaned over from the table nearby. "I can stinkbomb him if you want."

Remus laughed, a warm feeling spreading inside him that always came when Sirius spoke directly to him. "We're fifth years now. We've got to think of something better than that," he replied, pinching himself to try to get rid of the feeling.


	2. Chapter 2

Remus was nervous.

McGonagall had been calling each fifth year Gryffindor into her office for the past week to talk about 'career options'. James had already went, and had a _long_ discussion with the Head of House - apparently, he wanted to be an auror or a Quidditch player, whereas she tried to convince him to go into the Transfiguration field. She had also talked with Sirius, who had told her he was planning on living the rest of his life off of his inherited fortune. That one had made Remus laugh.

But now it was his turn, and he was nervous. It was not that he wasn't a talented wizard - he knew he was top of his class - but he wanted to bypass the look of pity McGonagall would give him...

Hesitantly, hesitantly, hesitantly, he stepped into her office.

"Mr Lupin. Pleased to see you." Mcgonagall nodded to the chair at the other side of her desk, and he took a seat.

"Now, Mr Lupin, what would you like to do when you grow up?"

Remus tried to gather the strength to actually discuss this - however, the words that came out of his mouth were not the ones he wanted to say.

"I suppose I could be a homeless person. Maybe even play the violin in the muggle subways. I'll have to get on learning, I suppose." Even the boy himself was surprised at the bitterness of his tone.

McGonagall's lips thinned, but he didn't think she was angry - not at him, anyway. "Mr Lupin, what on earth would possess you to say a thing like that?"

"I'm sorry, Professor, but you know my 'dirty little secret' -" he paused for a second. "Do you honestly think anyone would ever give me a job."

McGonagall sighed. "Then humour me, Mr Lupin. If you could be anything at all, anything in the world, what would you be?"

 _You're torturing me,_ Remus wanted to say. Instead, he answered her question truthfully. "I'd like to be a teacher. A professor at Hogwarts."

He waited for her sigh, for that damn look of pity, for her to tell him there must be other options - but she reacted far from what he expected.

She drew herself up, looking grim and, quite honestly, a bit terrifying.

"If you want to be a Hogwarts teacher, Remus Lupin, then I will make sure you become one. Or I will die trying." Her voice shook a little bit at the end, but if it were with sadness or anger, Remus wasn't sure. "You are an exceptionally bright student, Remus, and I will be _damned_ if I allow _anything_ to stop you."

She stuck out a long-fingered hand, and Remus tentatively shook it.

Sirius was waiting for Remus to return for a few reasons. First, he wanted to talk about the career thing with him - not only Remus's, but his. He had no idea what he wanted to do. Second, he desperately needed some fake dream ideas for divination. And third, he wanted to watch him brush the hair out of his eyes.

Finally, the common room door swung open, and the boy-wonder stepped through. Sirius dusted off his robes and looked over at him - yep, he was doing it - and shouted. "How'd it go?"

"Yeah, what'd you say you wanted to be?" Peter asked, interested.

Sirius detected a flicker of something in Remus's eyes, before the hazel-eyed boy cracked a grin. "International chocolate-taster," he responded, and Sirius barked with laughter.

"That's a profession I wouldn't mind," James tossed Remus a chocolate frog. "You need your strength for tonight, Moony, don't forget."

 _Tonight._ Sirius was unbelievably excited for tonight.

The early evening could be described by the sound of laughter and the strong smell of firewhisky. Bottles littered the Shrieking Shack - like memories, they were only glimpses of times past, a few shattered, upside down, sitting in clumps that had obviously been arranged for some sort of drinking game. Remus looked fondly upon these early evenings - they were the full moon night, but before the full moon came - before his bones tore and twisted and his skin stretched out and faded to the pale color of the moon he so feared.

However, the evenings quickly transformed into night, and too soon all the dim light was disappearing, and Remus knew that it would quickly be replaced by the cool iridescence of moonlight.

He turned red. "Um, would you guys mind -" It wasn't as if Remus was that self-conscious, but he didn't really want to strip with his friends watching, and besides - they might see the scars, and then he'd be in real trouble. He pulled his robes and sweater over his head and had just unlaced his shoes when he felt his teeth poking into his lips.

It was beginning.

This was the worst part of the evening. The transformation was painful, with its tearing and twisting and the whole time, Remus was so aware, he felt it - the monster, tearing out of his skull, through his eyes, gnashing its teeth, _kill, kill, kill_ drumming through his brain. These minutes - sometimes it was an hour - were the times when he felt most like a monster.

This was another reason why he asked his friends to turn around. But he knew that as he was transforming, so were they - less painful, more excited, but still. Tonight they would run.

Then the monster broke through, and pushed Remus's thoughts into the background, howling at the incoming moon.


	3. Chapter 3

Sirius always thought Remus looked the worst _after_ the full moon. Well, not _bad_ necessarily - ridiculously hot still - but sick. Eyebags, a sore sort of walk, and he just looked _exhausted._ Remus was out of the hospital wing already and hobbling along on his own two feet, but Sirius always made sure to watch Remus closely for the few days after a full moon.

Which is why he was awake at 3AM on Tuesday morning, when the bathroom door squeaked open, nearly silently, and Remus slipped inside.

 _Odd bathroom habits,_ Sirius thought, but then no more of it - at least until he noticed that the bathroom light had never turned on, and Remus had been in there for far longer than it takes to take a piss.

Quietly, Sirius stood up and tiptoed to the bathroom. Knocking on the doorframe, he slipped through the doorway and whispered _"Lumos"._

The scene his wand brought light to made Sirius step back into the wall. Remus was staring at him, wild-eyed, like a deer in headlights, pajama sleeve pulled up to his elbow. Deep red lines ran across his wrist, and in his other hand, his wand was up, pointed at Sirius.

"Rem-" Sirius began in a whisper, but was cut off by the anxious voice of Remus.

"This, this isn't what it looks like," he stammered. "It's just from last night, I still have some open cuts, I - "

"Remus, it's exactly what it looks like," Sirius said, noise building up inside his ears. He couldn't stop his brain from flip-flopping in his skull, repeating _why_ over and over, a mantra of pain and sorrow and shock.

Remus pointed his wand at Sirius again, his jaw hardening but his hand shaking. "Get out."

"Moony, your hand is shaking so much you can't even _aim,_ at least let me get you bandages, we can talk about this in the morning - " Sirius said desperately, the world was spinning, this beautiful boy was bleeding -

"Get. Out. Or I swear," Remus's voice shook.

Sirius left unwillingly, and (although he tried to wait up), accidentally fell asleep. When he awoke, Remus was gone.

Sirius shot up in a panic, throwing aside the blanket he must have grabbed while he was sleeping. "James!" he half-shouted, half-whispered. "Peter!"

James threw a pillow at Sirius's face. "Shut up you fuck! Go back to sleep!"

Sirius couldn't tell James and Peter the gravity of the situation - that was Remus's truth to tell. Instead, he decided, he would have to find the boy by himself.

Of course, in a castle the size of Hogwarts, this was rather difficult, especially since it appeared Remus had taken the Map. However, if anyone knew where to look, it was Sirius.

He first checked the kitchens, (Moony loved getting tea there and chatting with the elves, although they annoyed Sirius to no end), and then ran down the passageway to Honeydukes (chocolate, duh) - picking up a bar for Remus for when he found him - then the Shrieking Shack, which Sirius didn't think Remus would go to but was worth a check anyways.

He had started desperately making rounds on the ground, sprinting, when he saw him.

There was a small figure out on the lake, in one of the first-year boats. It was well towards the middle. Those boats were easy to move by magic, but it seemed the figure was rowing by hand, stopping occasionally for...Moony? A cigarette? Sirius, at this point, was hoping for no more surprises - today's hadn't been good ones.

Sirius realized that if he tried to boat out to Remus, he would probably get seasick, so he summoned his broom and flew over. It was much faster than the little rowboat, especially since it was early in the morning and Remus was hand-rowing. Sirius hovered in the air for a few seconds before touching down beside Remus, just barely skimming the surface of the water.

The lake was beautiful in the early morning - the water still, as if it had been iced over, the sunrise glimmering off...but nothing was more beautiful than Remus, hair hanging in his golden eyes, jaw clenched, blinking back tears. God, he was blinking back tears. Remus barely ever cried.

"Hello, Sirius," Remus said sullenly, not looking at him. Sirius couldn't help but stare at his lean muscles as he strained to row faster.

"Remmy - " Sirius began, but Remus cut him off once again.

"I don't want to hear it, Sirius." His voice was flat, his eyes trained on the unmoving water.

"Remus, you can't _hurt_ yourself. You're better than that."

"I'm not better than anything, Sirius. I'm sorry that you think I am, but I'm not."

Sirius paused, wondering if he should ask. After a while, he finally pushed it out - "Why, Rem?"

Remus looked away, paddling harder.

"Hey!" Sirius flew in front of the rowboat, cutting it off. "Please don't ignore me. I want to help you."

"I don't want your help."

"But you need it." Sirius countered.

"No, I don't. I'm fine."

"You have bandages around your wrists, they're covered in blood, Rem! You're _not fine._ Why?"

Remus couldn't tell Sirius. Sirius would laugh, he'd call him an idiot, push him into the lake, and then he'd lose his friends. Then again, maybe he deserved to lose his friends - it was only a matter of time before he hurt them, but he still put them in harm's way. Every time.

Remus swallowed, looking at the sunrise reflecting off of the Black Lake. "It feels like I'm not the one bleeding. It feels like it's the wolf." It was always surprising to Remus how fast his throat could fill with tears. "It's like I'm bleeding the wolf out."

"Remus." Something in Sirius's tone made Remus dread what he was about to say. "Remus, you are the wolf. When you hurt it, you hurt yourself."

Just like that, Remus broke down. He was crying, and the worst thing was, he wasn't even crying about cutting himself. All he wanted right now was to go back and do it again - he was crying about making a fool of himself in front of Sirius, and then, in turn, crying about the stupid fucking crush on Sirius he had that he shouldn't, and then...

"Rem." Sirius flew his broom dangerously close to the boat, almost knocking it over, and pulled Remus onto the broom, keeping it steady as Remus snuggled into his shoulder. "Rem."

Remus found himself looking at Sirius's lips, and how good they looked - slightly chapped with Autumn, but warm and soft and then they were on his own.

The kiss obliterated him.

It was like coming home or being born or suddenly finding an entire half of himself that he didn't even know was missing. Sirius tasted of Saturday morning coffee and cinnamon and Sirius, he tasted like Sirius, and Remus was tasting Sirius.

It was far better than chocolate.

But all too soon, Sirius pulled away, and Remus felt a tightness in his chest - had he done it wrong? He hadn't kissed many people, after all, and certainly not as many as Sirius. All those girls Sirius had kissed were probably better than him, and what if Sirius didn't actually like him but was just kissing him to take Remus's mind off things, or what if he had imagined it all -

"Remus."

Remus realized he had been staring a bit too hard and too silently at Sirius.

"Remus, I don't think we should do this."

Remus felt as if he was going to choke.

"Not now."

Remus felt like he was going to throw up. "Yeah," he choked out, sliding off the broom and back onto the boat. "Yeah."

He threw up into the lake.


	4. Chapter 4

Remus was contemplating transferring to Beauxbatons.

Of course, as soon as he came up with this plan, he immediately discarded it - the only reason he got into Hogwarts was because of Dumbledore, there was no way he was getting into another wizarding school. Maybe homeschooling - but this idea had to go, too, because although his parents loved him, the truth was that his father could barely stand to look at him.

He'd been hiding out in the Room of Requirement for the past two days. Although he was fairly sure that Professor Dumbledore knew about the room, the other teachers didn't seem to, and he'd never told Sirius, James, or Peter about it. It was his.

It was also his prison.

He couldn't leave. If he left, then Sirius and James and Peter would all attack him with stupid questions and things to do and all that shit and his teachers would ask him if he was okay and then give him all the homework he missed and that would be a lot of fucking homework and and and he just would have to stay in there forever.

Anyways, he had plenty of books and plenty of knives and plenty of bandages to stain red. The room didn't produce any food, but he would worry about that when he got hungry. Anyways, he had quite a bit of chocolate in his pockets. He'd munch on that every once in a while.

He could stay here until his blood seeped out of his veins and his skin melted into his bones and he couldn't feel anything anymore.

He looked down and sighed. He'd gotten blood on _Carrie_ again.

Sirius was contemplating drastic measures.

He hadn't told James and Peter yet, and he wasn't sure if he should or not. On the one hand, it was Remus's business, and Remus would kill him if he told anyone. On the other hand...well, Remus was on the verge of killing himself.

He could also tell Dumbledore, but he didn't want to screw Remus over. What if he got kicked out? What if he had to be hospitalized or something? Of course, maybe it would be good for Remus to be hospitalized...

He'd missed half his classes for the past two days searching all over the castle for Remus and so far, nothing. James had been making up Remus's homework, and Sirius had told him and Peter that Remus was in the shrieking shack recovering from the full moon, but soon James and Peter would go visit the Shrieking Shack and find out Sirius had lied... anyways, he couldn't find Remus, and he didn't trust Remus alone right now. There was nothing for it. He would have to tell James.

And then there was the matter of the letter, but he would have to deal with that later...

James was doing homework - something that he normally didn't bother with, but as it was Remus's, and Remus would flip if his homework didn't get done, and, well, Remus apparently wasn't recovering very quickly from the other night, he was trying his best - and his best was quite a lot, actually, because James was quite clever and could even apply that to homework when he tried, although he very rarely tried.

He was doing arithmancy - one subject that he didn't excel at, but he felt confident he could do it well - when he became aware of a long shadow blocking the candlelight.

Looking up into Sirius's shaggy-hair framed face, he prepared himself for a huge teasing. However, when he saw Sirius's eyes, James's face slackened and he stood up.

"What's wrong? Listen, you can stay with me, my parents love you -"

"It's not about me, James. It's not my parents. It's... it's Remus. He's in trouble."

James's stomach twisted. "Remus? How can _Remus_ be in trouble."

"I - I can't tell you, you just have to trust me, and I don't know where he is," Sirius ran a hand through his hair, "You just have to trust me."

"You have to tell me, man, you can't-" James's voice came out louder than he meant it to.

"This is serious, James. And I really can't tell you, and we need to find him."

The look on Sirius's face was scaring James. "Yeah, okay. Have you looked anywhere yet?"

"Everywhere."

Remus was dimly aware that what he was doing was not a good idea. However, the haze of pot and blood and deep growling in the pit of his stomach was overpowering everything in him but that not-monster, aching for deeper cuts, less Remus.

Everything was dark and Sirius was afraid.

He wasn't scared of the dark, obviously. He was scared for Remus. Three days, now, and Remus was still missing. He had taken to prowling the halls when it was dark, avoiding teachers and keeping his eyes sharp for Moony.

He was so tired, though, he almost missed the huge door right in front of him. He could have sworn that it hadn't been there a moment ago...

Well, a room he hadn't checked, anyways. He grabbed at the handle, dragged the door open, and tiptoed inside.

It was so dark, he almost left. But then he didn't, because -

It smelled like Remus. Coffee and skunky and a little sweet and like muggle back alleys as well as cocoa, because, well, chocolate.

" _Lumos,"_ he whispered, and the flare from his wand lit up the room.

He had thought he would never see anything worse than the other night. But this... this was worse. This was worse.

There was Remus, a book in his lap, some sort of smoke in his limp hand, sitting on a sofa soaked in blood.

"Oh god, oh god, _Remus -"_ Sirius's heart stopped and he ran over to Moony. "Remus, _Remus,_ Remus," Sirius gulped. "Oh, god oh god please don't be -" he choked on the last word.

Remus's eyelashes - flakes of copper, feathers, sundust - fluttered open. He broke into a wide smile. " _Sirius!"_ His eyes didn't stop fluttering.

"Rem, Rem, Rem, you're gonna die," Sirius swallowed. "Rem, you're gonna _die_ , please, please,"

"I'm _fine,"_ Remus giggled - giggled - and winced as Sirius grabbed his hand.

"Please tell me you're not bleeding there, too, _please,_ Remus," Sirius groaned. There was blood, oh god, there was blood on _his_ hands now, Remus's blood...

"Well, I'm not bleeding down there...I have monthly issues, but I'm not a _girl,_ hahhahaa..."

"Okay Sirius, clear head clear head clear head," Sirius pulled out his wand and closed his eyes. " _Vulnera Sanentur,"_ he breathed.

Some of the gashes - oh god, those gashes, crying red - cleared away, melting shut.

"Okay, okay. Um, here we go. This," he picked up the smoke, "Is gone. _Evanesco."_ The smoke disappeared. "Uh, eat this chocolate, please, you look hungry, please,"

"My _smoke,"_ Remus whined, but took the chocolate and looked at it. "Ehhhhhhhh."

Sirius gritted his teeth. " _Eat it."_

"Okay, _okay."_ Remus chewed on the chocolate slowly and angrily. "Meanie."

"I can't keep putting you back together, Rem, you need to... you can't do this to yourself."

Sirius felt sick.

Remus woke up dead.

Well, not literally dead. That was yesterday. Today he was in his own bed and dead but _alive,_ because - oh god, because _Sirius._ Fucking Sirius saved him and now Sirius must hate him and oh god, James and Peter probably knew by now and _god_ he needed a smoke.

All this shit was collapsing his mind and he hadn't even opened up his eyes yet.

Sitting up, ignoring the raw pain pulsating over his entire body, he looked around the room. Well, started to look around the room, but before he could - Sirius.

Sirius was sitting in a chair right beside Remus's bed - one of the big, red comfy ones that littered the Gryffindor tower and always reminded Remus a little too much of blood - and his head was in his hands, was he crying? Remus hoped he wasn't crying, because if he was crying then it would be Remus's fault, and he couldn't deal with that - he tried to slip back under the covers, maybe if he pretended to sleep long enough Sirius would just give up and go away, but -

"Remus," Sirius croaked. He had obviously looked up while Remus was busy panicking and Remus hadn't noticed.

Knowing he had to say something, Remus swallowed, looking anywhere but his best friend. "Sirius," he said, focusing on the bedsheets.

Sirius was silent for a long time. "You don't ever do that again, Rem. Not ever."

The oxygen was seeping out of the air but no one seemed to notice except Remus.

"I'm sorry." Remus thought he could write an essay three scrolls of parchment long on these fucking bedsheets.

"Yeah."

"Sirius, you need to leave."

Sirius's heart stopped. "If you think I'm leaving you alone to smoke and... and bleed and die, you -"

"Sirius, you need to leave before I kill you."

"What are you talking about?" Remus didn't have his wand, Sirius made sure of that, and why would Remus kill him? Was Remus angry at him?

"This, this poison, this poison in me is going to sap into you too, Sirius." Every second Remus didn't look at him was a _crucio_ curse.

"I'm staying here, Rem," Sirius said.

"We can't be friends."

"I'm fucking staying here, Rem," Sirius repeated, why why why _why?_

"Sirius."

"Rem."

"Sirius, I'm a taker," Remus wouldn't look at him still, why, "You need a giver."

"Rem, that's ridiculous, you give everything -"

Remus interrupted him before he could finish. "I give everything to this not-monster in my stomach, I give everything to the wolf that eats at my brain, I give everything to everything I shouldn't and I take _everything_ ," Remus's voice was stronger than Sirius had heard it in a long time, it was yelling at Sirius, Remus was yelling at Sirius, "I take _everything_ from you."


End file.
